Billy Graham Had a Rule so Should You.

Why transparency leads to intimacy.

In the past year, mega-church pastors have been collapsing one after the other, but they aren’t alone. It’s happening in smaller churches too. While I can’t know what is happening inside their hearts and minds. I do know that sin never occurs in a vacuum. The great Bishop J.C. Ryle once said, “People fall in private, long before they fall in public. The tree falls with a great crash, but the secret decay which accounts for it is often not discovered until it is down on the ground.” If you walk through the forest of evangelicalism, trees are down everywhere.

I don’t know if there are easy solutions to such inward issues. A few that come to my mind is a renewed focus on discipleship over follower acquisition. Humility and the love of God even at the expense of self. Radically transparent accountability to our spouses. Last but not least, a robust devotional life that includes scripture meditation, prayer, contemplation, and confession to a fellow confessor. However, one practical step I want to propose today is instituting a form of what has become known as the “Billy Grahm Rule.”

A few years ago, Former Vice President Mike Pence said he followed the “Billy Graham Rule.” This created confusion outside the church and fresh debate about how men and women should relate in the workplace.

If you are unfamiliar with the Billy Graham Rule, it came from Reverend Graham’s observation that so many evangelists had fallen into immorality while separated from their families by travel. Billy said, “We pledged among ourselves to avoid any situation that would even have the appearance of compromise or suspicion. From that day on, I did not travel, meet, or eat alone with a woman other than my wife.”

For those of you who disagree with this rule, let me say that I hear you in many ways. It has gotten weird. A couple of years back, I remember talking to a seventeen-year-old boy who told me he was following the Billy Graham rule. I asked him if he ever planned on getting married. He said yes. I then told him there was a good chance he would need to revisit that rule.

This has become a much-debated topic in evangelical circles. Many do not like this rule because it is seen as misogynistic and limiting to women in the workplace. The argument goes that if women are excluded from dinners and meetings they will be excluded in boardrooms. While I am not naive enough to believe this never happens, I don’t think it’s systemic in churches or organizations.

What seems to be far more systemic in culture and churches is divorce. Does disobedience to the Graham rule mean you will have a divorce? Not at all, but in twenty-plus years of marriage counseling, infidelity never starts in the hotel room. The two most prevalent causes of infidelity are extensive time with the same person of the opposite sex and alcohol. In saying that, I am not saying spending time with the opposite sex is sinful, nor is alcohol inherently sinful. Yet there is rarely a story of a spouse breaking their marriage vows that didn’t involve the excess of time and alcohol. We need guardrails. All of us.

For those who think this is a right-wing white evangelical issue. It’s not. Its wisdom. Here is a quote from an Atlantic interview with Ta-Nehisi Coates, who is black and an atheist.

I’ve been with my spouse for almost 15 years. In those years, I’ve never been with anyone but the mother of my son. But that’s not because I am an especially good and true person. In fact, I am wholly in possession of an unimaginably filthy and mongrel mind. But I am also a dude who believes in guard-rails, as a buddy of mine once put it. I don’t believe in getting “in the moment” and then exercising will-power. I believe in avoiding “the moment.” I believe in being absolutely clear with myself about why I am having a second drink, and why I am not; why I am going to a party, and why I am not. I believe that the battle is lost at Happy Hour, not at the hotel. I am not a “good man.” But I am prepared to be an honorable one.

I share Coates’ concern. I want to be honorable. The way we function in an honorable way is within the boundaries we create with our spouse. We need to create boundaries that serve to protect our marriages from going over the cliff.

Wisdom tells us that guardrails serve to protect us from going over relational cliffs.

I don’t think one blanket rule is the best way to create guardrails, but it’s a good starting point.

How Do We Create Healthy Guardrails?

Understand what the Bible teaches about the total depravity of mankind. – The Bible, if you have read it, is full of stories reinforcing the theological understanding that everything has been marred by sin and tainted by the fall. Ta-Nehisi Coates said this about himself: “I believe that the battle is lost at Happy Hour, not at the hotel. I am not a ‘good man.’” If you don’t see yourself as a sinner who needs a savior but rather as basically good, you will overestimate your willpower, your tolerance, and your faithfulness. If Coats, as a self-proclaimed atheist, can see this? Why can’t we?

Talk with your spouse about what guardrails need to be in place to honor God and each other in your marriage. Go with whoever has the most sensitive conscience on this topic. If your desire is to honor each other do whatever your spouse is asking. Radical transparency always brings greater intimacy. My caution here would be that some may use this to control their spouse. Control will have the exact opposite effect of transparency it will create distrust. If you feel that is taking place in your marriage, seek out a godly counselor or pastor to mediate and to speak into the situation from a third-party perspective, but also from a biblical perspective. The reason for the biblical perspective is that a non-Christian counselor, as wise as they may be, will never understand the call of God to us to lay down our lives for each other. If you are married, pursue intimacy through radical transparency.

If you need to make an exception to your pre-determined guardrails, communicate. My wife and I have set a few guardrails, but when I meet with a woman, I always let her know before and discuss it with her afterward. Why do we do this? I want her to see that she can trust me and that I value her and that if I break through a barrier, in this case, meeting with a woman and letting my wife know, it will not devastate our marriage because meeting with a person of the opposite sex doesn’t break your marriage vows but if done too often can lead to damaged trust.

Understand you are not Billy Graham. People who are powerful and famous have to be far more careful than someone who works from home. Fame, influence, and travel all make guardrails so much more necessary. For most of you reading this, those are not realities for you, so even though you need guardrails, you probably don’t need the same ones as Pence and Graham.

As Christians, our primary goals should be to honor God in all we do, love our spouse and kids well, and love our neighbor as ourselves. Setting clear guardrails helps us do all three.